Today marks 25 years since Jenn took her life. Most of those years were a blur, but now I can see how I reacted to trauma in my life, effected my whole life. Relationships, thoughts, feelings, living, surviving. My last blog let you see into a small part of me, and it has taken this long to blog again. I don't even know why. As I may have mentioned before, there are so many thoughts that run through my head, there is so much to write about. But I can't seem to get things out.
The last month has been a whirlwind of emotion, anxiety, doubt, and fear. I have completed a twelve week Cognitive Processing Therapy program. I didn't think I could even get through. My thoughts are raw, and I want to run away. I have placed myself in a corner and I am going through the motions. Why am I writing this down? Because I want you to know that the way I feel, isn't going to last forever. I want to reassure myself that I won't feel like running away and pushing people out of my life. I am thinking about my intentions. If you ever feel that this may be you, I'm here letting you know it won't last forever. It may feel like it, but nope.
I don't have any answers, and I certainly don't know the questions you are asking. Come to think of it, I don't even know the questions I am asking. I feel the questions, but I do not have the words for them.
So, I have come to this door in my life. I can reach for the handle, but as my hand gets closer, the door gets further away. I lunge forward, grasping at air. My thoughts are spinning like a tornado, not understanding what is happening. At this point my head is pounding with the rush of confusion and fear and I can hear my heart beating in my mind. I want to stop thinking. I want to know what is on the other side of the door. And part of me doesn't.
I have decided I am going to stand up, look at the door, and open it.
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